Shattered

I do not know Mckmama or Prince Charming or the MSC personally, but that hasn't mattered. I have read Mckmama's blog for quite some time and I feel like I do know them.

My heart is breaking for what is happening with Stellan right now. And in my head, I know that God is in control, but my heart seems to think otherwise at the moment.

And honestly, maintaining the faith that God knows what He's doing is a huge struggle right now. It doesn't help that I have let the Enemy get in my head and do what he does best- lie.

And my car is dead. D.E.A.D.- dead. The not -fixable kind of dead. And while that is a trivial matter at the moment, it doesn't do any good to how I feel about how things are going. Living out here in no-man-land, I can't get a job without a car. And financially speaking, things are a bit too tight right now to get a car without a job. To like pay for it, and stuff. You know, what responsible adults do.

Some days, like today, I am sick of being a responsible adult.

My college roommate is dealing with the fact that her mom has just recieved a diagnosis of Stage 4 bladder and anal cancer. It's bad. Bad enough for Amanda to have to sit in a room with her mom and the rest of her family and discuss her Mom's final wishes. Before her mom can't communicate what her wishes are.

My heart breaks for the whole family.

And then about an hour ago, I got a call. And when I looked at the caller ID, my heart skipped at least two beats.

It's Mom.

Now to understand, Mom has a hatred of calling people on the phone. She won't do it unless she has to, and that includes calls to us kids.

So something is always up when she calls.

I had hoped for a second that she had misdialed, like the last time she called my cell. She had a work emergency that involved a power failure and in trying to call her boss, she got me instead.

It worried me at the time, as she didn't really have time to explain, but I would have preferred it today.

When I answer the phone this morning and ask her how she is, her reponse of "Oh, I'm fine" did not match her tone of voice. AT ALL. And it's Monday, she's supposed to be at work.

Turns out Dad is in the hospital.

They'd gone away for the weekend and yesterday morning Dad started complaining that he didn't feel well. Just that his stomach was really hurting. Mom thought that maybe he was getting a stomach virus, since my neice just got over one. Dad felt good enough to drive home, but then was getting worse and worse.

He drove himself to the ER at 12:30 this morning, telling Mom that she needed to get some sleep since she was working today.

At 5:15, he called with the news that a CT scan had revealed a bowel obstruction and that he was being admitted. He told her to go ahead and go to work.

Good thing she doesn't listen to him.

When Mom called, she was waiting for the surgeon to come in to the room for a consult as it may be necessary for Dad to have surgery to remove the obstruction.

He'll be in the hospital at least the rest of today, longer if surgery is necessary.

He's on a morphine drip and "not at all reasonable" according to Mom. He's having his stomach pumped and they are hoping that things get resolved without surgery.

And once again, I'm over 400 miles away. Not that I could do anything if I was there, but I could at least sit with Mom, ya know?

I'm feeling pretty shattered.